My Pensieve

utterly disgusted.

2009-12-03T11:49:00.000-08:00

what do you do when you're so utterly disgusted by someone...
that its not fair to them, but you can't help it?

you don't want to be mean, but you feel so consumed by digust?

and granted, you can't help someone that doesn't want to be helped,
but even if they did want help now, it's too late?

you can't clean a kitchen if i you dont even want to touch the dishes because they're so dirty and you're so appalled by how dirty they are...

of course, you stop talking to them...but what if that's not enough?

sigh.

last thing i wrote

2009-10-29T06:55:00.000-07:00

last thing i wrote, a while ago. haven't written these things in a while. so revealing/embarassing (?) for lack of a better word? so i'll disable the comments.

"I open my eyes and look to the sky
But everything's black and I start to cry
I pat the ground and feel with my hands
But with each empty grab my nightmare expands
I find myself lost in a cold, dark place
I start to despair, but I need to brace--
myself and get it together
Even though I feel I'll never get better
I hear my friends voices but they're so far away
telling me where to go, but I'm in disarray
I went to sleep holding your hand
but now you're gone and I don't understand
You were the only thing keeping me going
my life was falling apart, but you kept showing
me love like I had never felt before
I was scared at first, but I started to adore
you and I wanted to be your one and only
but now I'm scared and confused and I feel so lonely
I feel like my heart's been ripped into pieces
I tried so many things, but my pain only increases
I'm sorry for all the pain I inflicted
We fought a lot, but I never would've predicted
that things would end this way
I feel so empty, I wish I could convey
The pain that I have, the emptiness I feel
Do you sense it too? Was everything real?
I wish I could go back, knowing what I know now
I'd do things differently, I don't know how
I ever let you get away
You haunt me at night and during the day
It feels like you left your shadow here
Everything reminds me, I wish you would appear
Kiss me, hold me, tell me something sweet
Reach for my hand and make me complete
You said that you loved me, and I believed
Why did you hurt me? I feel so deceived
Oh, I wish I could turn back time
to when we were in love, it was so sublime
If you really loved me, how come you don't anymore?
I keep looking over, hoping you'll come through the door
If your love for me was real, don't you want a second chance
Let us try together, rekindle our romance
Everything I felt for you was sincere
I don't know how your feelings can just disappear
Tell me you still love me, and that you'll hold me
Make my "I" become "we"
Melt my heart again, break me free
Won't you open yours, hear my lover's plea
I know my mistakes, I won't mess up again
I won't be the same person that I was then
Let me hold you and be your rock
Won't you forgive me, free me from this shock
Your life's turning around, it makes me so happy
Won't you stay with me when mine's getting crappy
I promise I won't be so needy or demanding
I'll be more open and more understanding
You were a huge part of my life
Stand by my side, help me through this strife
I want to be with you through good times and bad
I know if you'll just let me, we can revive the love we had
People tell me I'll get better, that I'll find someone new
But I don't want anyone else, I just want you
I'm willing to do whatever it takes
As long as I know you'll take away my aches
I'll fulfill all your needs and desires
I'd be happy to do whatever my love requires
We can get over this hump and onto clear roads
Stay with me while my life erodes
I can do anything when I know that you're mine
Please tell me you'll consider, give me a sign
I have a lot of pride, but I find myself on bended knee
You are my answer, you are the key
You came out of nowhere and taught me to love
You made me so happy, I thank God above
I've found a clearing in that forest of mine
The sun's still not up but the sky is benign
I finally found you, in my way through the dark
I want to touch you, and revive our spark
But your back is turned and your mind is elsewhere
Wherever you are, I wish I could be there
I try to reach out, but the space between us grows
I start to despair, but then I compose
myself, I know you want me to be strong
I'm honestly sorry for all I've done wrong
Everytime I turn, you turn too
But the way I feel about you is still true
Please turn around, face me, and stay near
I know I can get out of this forest if you're here
This is my last act of desperation
And now I'm left to ponder in anticipation
Hoping you still love me, that you'll want to try
That you'll be my world again, and wipe my tears when I cry
I love you so much, I don't want to let go
Open up your heart one last time, I just have to know
Don't give up on me, I won't hurt you this time
I just want to love you and make this our prime
Give me a chance to love you the way you loved me
If your love for me was real, tell me you'll agree
I'll love you for the person you are
And I'll support you, let me be your star
If you give us this chance, I'll never forget
I promise I won't make you regret
I thought this might work, I wanted to be your friend
But after losing you, I realize I don't want this to end
I never showed you how much I really care
And now I realize I love you so much, when you aren't there
I'd go to any lengths for you
When I was falling to pieces, you were my glue
No hard feelings, I just want you to know how I feel
I don't want to lose you, this is so surreal."

I wouldn't necessarily say everything in this "poem" is true, but desperate times call for desperate measures and when i'm feeling extreme emotion, words always seem to calm me down.

memory lane...

2009-10-26T19:02:00.000-07:00

sooo putting off studying for a little bit longer...

decided to type up some old entries i wrote in my journal way back when

written december 24th, 2004. enjoy!

"incredible sadness, a feeling i can't describe
i've felt this before--this void, this vibe
and though i try, i can't find the words
they escape before my fingers, like birds
fluttering away into the vast sky
questions form in my head, and i ask myself why
why on Christmas Eve do i feel this emotion?
why am i bothered by this notion?
why does emotion overpower me?
why does my concentration flee?
all i can do is sit here and stare
though the world around me changes, i am unaware
off into space i let my mind wander
thoughts enter my mind, and i ponder
all i can do is sit here and think
and slowly i begin to sink
in the pool of thoughts inside my head
the thoughts grow and begin to spread
trickling into every crevice and every crack
someone save me from this attack
tears flood my eyes, but do not leak out
i do not give my eyes permission to impersonate a spout
i feel sadness but not self-pity
in my heart, there is growing a city
a city of the unfamiliar and of doubt
i don't know from where this well of sadness sprouts
but looking in, i see no end
i have a long ways, and i've only begun to descend
where will my sadness lead me?
when will i be able to be free?
for so long have i been a slave
being swallowed up by this wave
of strong emotion that i cannot escape
but i cannot flee for i have been scraped
sadness has made its mark
and though my world has become dark,
i can't help but wonder
though i'm torn asunder--
sadness is beautiful"

i sound so negative and depressed
i guess i had a lot on my mind back then

sick and dying

2009-10-18T17:12:00.000-07:00

My second time sick this semester.

Got hit by the runny nose truck and now i'm a leaky faucet, sore throat, and coughing every 5 seconds =(. i hate this weather. someone take me to the caribbean islands please.

all this dreary weather and nasty cold and disgusting rain is starting to take a toll on me. i really do feel like my emotions or the way i feel is somehow related...positively correlated might i say...with the weather. sometimes the sun decides to stick her head out and my day isn't so bad. and sometimes we have that horrible weather i described above and i feel like i could be borderline depressed, or at least approaching it. but that's normal right?